Me and My family been coming to your store for years now. We enjoy shopping here because of your everyday necessities for great low prices. With our visits to your store we've never encountered any bad services, or any problems.
However my last visit wasn't so pleasant. It was the day after thanksgiving as we call "Black Friday", me and my family were ready to shop till we dropped and the first place we went to was Walmart. We arrived at 4 O'clock and hour before the seasonal sale started for that day. Knowing that it was going to be crazy we might as well go early so we can be the first few to pick out what we wanted. Once we got in we went straight to the items that we wanted on sale, but come to find out EVERYTHING was gone. It was very surprising to see that we weren't the first few to get in. It was already packed and people were going CRAZY! A customer who felt the same way told us that she was their since 2, and thats when people started pouring in. She said she walked passed every busy isle she was stunned to see people ripping up boxes to get the items they wanted and stuffing it in their carts. At 2 O'clock and the employees weren't even doing anything to stop it. Which I though wasn't fair because we knew that they only had a limited amount of items they would put on sale. It pissed me and my family off because the sale doesn't even start till 5 and there you see ignorant people just going crazy and stuffing multiple amounts of all the sale items in the carts. So by the time people came at 5 thinking they would get what they came for,it was all GONE! You folks put a lot of electronics on sale but only a limited amount of it, like the TV's people we taking more that 3 per person. I think that your should've limited people with one each,their were only a limited amount on sale and we should give other people the opportunity to purchase one. Crazy Customers were literally fighting for items. Pulling it away from each other stealing it from other peoples carts, i mean how low can some people be?!
It was so unorganized how you folks held this big sale, as we all know that black friday is a crazy day for shoppers, you guys should've handled it more appropriately. I think that you should've closed the store the night before, instead of keeping it open for 24 hours and reopen at 5. Having people stand in line outside and letting only a certain quantity of people in slowly would probably help run things more smoothly. And employees should have more responsibilities especially when they know that it may get out of hand.
Despite what happened that day, i'll still continue to be a regular shopper at Walmart.
Sincerely,
Raena Cabacungan
Raena, your letter definitely had a lot of voice in it. But, i think you should reword some parts to make it sound a bit more pleasant. Your essay started off nice, then started to sound kind of mean. It reminds me of my grandma's evil monstrous side coming out when she's pissed off and dogging at the workers until she sees them suffer, haha. In stead of saying "you guys should've handled it more appropriately," you could say something starting off with something like "it would be greatly appreciated" or "I recommend/suggest" or something in a nicer way. Other than a couple mechanical errors, I think you did a pretty good job.
ReplyDeleteDaryenne'Noel
Raena,
ReplyDeleteI agree with dary, you should rephrase some of your sentences to make it sound more appropriate (pissed off). But other than that it was really good. You had good arguments and you supported them well. You also had very descriptive and vivid voice like when you showed your frustration that you had that day. So overall good job.
-Marissa
Hi Raena,
ReplyDeleteWow...sounds like Black Friday was a disappointment for you and lots of other WalMart shoppers!
First off, I agree with Dary and Marissa about chosing your words more effectively. Rely on your specific details to show how bad the situation was, rather than using strong language. It will be more convincing.
What your critics did not mention and should have is that your organization can be improved. Figure out your complaints (ideas) and group details around these. Thus, instead of mentioning the "head start" that some customers were given on the sale in several places, you would put the details all in the same paragraph.
Then, you can put all of your suggestions (more staffing, control numbers entering the store, limit purchases, etc) in another paragraph.
Right now, the ideas kinda jump around.
And, be sure to check your mechanics very carefully before you submit the final. These letters will need to be revised to perfection before I mail them.
mrs s