Everyone has thir own experience with coming of age. Here's my experience, my first real relationship and my first real boyfriend.
"where are you going?" My mom calls out from the kitchen as I leave the house. 'Marissa's house" I say in reply, and I was gone, out the door. Little does my mom know that I'm gong to my friends house but Im getting picked up by a boy and we were going to hang out at the mall. And when I mean boy, I mean boyfriend and he drives. I wasnt ready to tell my mom about him. "Beep Beep" that meant he was here "bye Marissa, hes here" "bye have fun" Thoughts running through my head as I felt the gulit coming in"what is my mom gonna say is she finds out? I shouldve told her,and the fact that hes a older guy that can drive*sigh, But..what if she deosnt let me out anymore, Nah I'll tell her soon"
After hanging out with him for about 2 hours he drops me home. There she was, I look up "whos car did you come out of? who were you with?"I try to avoid that conversation and I walked out of her way thinking to myself "OMG BUSTED!" and she stopped me again "My friend" so we sat in the living room and after being lectured" Raena, you know I give you the privlage of going out and you abuse it, I always need to know where your at, what if something happens and we have no idea where your at?" After taking everything she was saying in I decided to just tell her the truth, Might as well she knew something was up. "Mom I was with this boy" when I said boy she knew I meant boyfriend, I was waiting for her reaction and I was surprised with her reaction I was wrryiong for nothing and I didnt need to lie because she was okay with it "I'll let you see him,hang out with him. But make sure you tell me where your at and who your with"and since it was the begining of summer I was happy i could still hang out with him and enjoy my summer with out having to lie to my parents.
Summer was over and school was around the corner. Now that school started that meant " no fooling around time to get all my work done" I liked this guy so much I was afraid that I wasnt going to give him as much attention because I wasnt in a relationship while school was still going and what if I get him, in the way of my learning thats what I told myself. And going to different schools didn't help at all he was on my mind twenty four seven. But as the weeks go by I don't see any changes in the relationship, it was just me over reacting, Im still getting my work done and I've learned how to manage being in a relationship and having boyfriend and school at the same time with out having one hold me back from anything. School is one of my biggest priority and he was starting to be one of them too, because he went to school also,we both know that we would have all the time after to talk text and spend time witn each other and were not going to interrupt each other with our studies.
Being in a realationship and having a boyfriend is my coming of age experience. It has made me realized that I had to take responsibilty for myself in order to make everything work out in the long run. My coming of age experience is another stepping stone that will lead me to becoming a more matured responsible young woman.
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Raena, I really liked how you used a lot of detail to describe your experience with your “first real boyfriend”. It was interesting to read actually what you thought because usually you don’t express yourself this much and it was shown through your writing. I just think that you could have structured your essay a little better
ReplyDeleteRaena, You had a good story. I really enjoyed it, but next time you tell your momma your coming to my house, pleaze tell me, LOL.I love that you used a lot of dialogue and it was really relatable to people who are in high school.But you need to be more organized and clear on what you write :)
ReplyDeleteHi Raena,
ReplyDeleteBe sure to read over my other comments about your introduction that I sent to the class on email :)
Here are the rest of my comments...
You have some good details about your experience with your mom as you began your relationship with your boyfriend.
What you need to do in the revision is to cut down on the explaining parts and go over the "story" for better organization and mechanics.
As far as organization, break the essay into paragraphs. Right now, most of the story is in one huge paragraph. Figure out where a new part of the story starts (for example: going out....coming home...etc) and separate those parts.
As mentioned before, take our all the explanation...instead of explaining how you felt, show it...by your reactions to your mom...both before and after you "confess" to her...
Once you are done, go carefully over your mechancis. There are a lot of careless grammatical errors and they should not appear in a final draft. See me for help in editing the mechanics, if you need it :)
To Desha and Marissa (and Marissa, please sign your posts...for a while I had no idea who "riri" was, so I wasn't giving you credit for your commentary.
You guys were accurate in your comment on organization, HOWEVER, you need to go beyond saying "improve it." Notice that I gave Raena more specific suggestions and explanations about what she needed to revise.
mrs s
Raena, your essay was good. But as Mrs. S said, you need to "show, not tell." It was as if you were talking to me in person. And when you blog/write, you usually feel more emotion which shows into someone's writing. You should be more descriptive, but overall I enjoyed reading your essay. GOOD JOB :D
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